For you

Moments of abandonment,
That's where I find myself,
Achingly familiar ground,
I see my past so clearly,
See you,
See  my younger self,
I see your smile,
And all around me is safe and calm.
No years of lost yearning
Craving a word or your voice,
Wondering,
Always wondering if,
If you really knew,
Knew me

How I've waited,
Wished for this moment,
This slice of anticipation,
But now its here,
I'm afraid to feel,
Afraid,
Of being devoured my these sensations,
This curiosity,
This impatient heart.
For its you,
You alone that I have held a candle to,
Worshipped
And revered,
Loved,
Adored even.
But you were only a dream,
A vision inside,
A fragment of time to hold onto,
To cherish.
Now.....
I don't know you,
And me...I am a mere stranger,
With a familiar name,
Maybe that's how it should be?

You want what...!

You want emotion?
You want me to hold you,
Look at you with Love?
You feel like there is a distance between us?
Well hell-fucking-yeah there is...
Its called the God-damn brick wall you put up to stop yourself feeling anything!
Trouble is,
Shutting out all that hurt,
That pain,
The agony of loss,
Just severs all the good stuff too!
If your not open to all that raw pain,
Your not open to any other kind of emotion,
In short your feelings are cut dead.
You Love,
But there is no warmth.
Your arms hold me,
But there is no passion in your touch.
You speak to me,
Not with me,
You listen,
But you hear fuck all!
Its okay,
I get it, I really do.
But for me to deal with that,
I have to hide too,
Seal those old wounds,
Shut off the lights and crawl back into the dark,
For its only here,
Alone.
That the searing pain of loneliness,
Of your indifference,
Can't touch me,
Envelope and,
Consume me.
You put me here,
Don't fucking complain when you can no longer reach me!!

Tied

God, I've not been here in a while,
Not opened my soul,
Or mouth!
I find it difficult to look at all this pain,
The sadness,
And unbearable nothingness.
I wanna write something good,
Something great,
Something alive,
Something worth giving a shit about.
But I can't,
Its just the same old me,
Same old life,
Same old scene.
Frustratingly ordinary,
Lacking in feeling,
And life.
I'm working on it,
Not giving up,
Refusing to be sucked into the darkness.
But at times it seems pointless,
Futile even,
Am I in this on my own?
I hope not.....

I don't like you!

There,
I've said it....out loud!
How can you even begin to love someone you struggle to like?
I try,
Fuck do I try.
But you just leave me speechless with your actions,
Well in-actions...
The one day you have your little girl overnight,
The one time its just you and her,
You finish work early...what do you do?
Pick her up early?
Fetch her from Nursery?
Call and ask if its ok to change the arranged time?
Nah....course you don't.
Selfish prick that you are...
You go out,
You use the time for yourself,
For your well being,
For your state of mind ....
I hope your conscience is clear my friend..
Oh wait, we're not even friends are we..
Fuck buddies maybe..
Well not even that anymore,
I can't give myself to someone who doesn't see me..
YOU JUST DON'T FUCKIN SEE ME!!!
Arsehole...
FUCK YOU!

Love me....

...its all I ask.
It's all I ever asked for...
It's all I ever really need,
To breathe,
To get by,
To exist.
Why do you find it so fuckin difficult?
There are endless ways possible,
To show someone...
You Love them.
Not big extravagant gestures,
'The little things'
I said I didn't feel loved, appreciated or even noticed!
You say the old line," But I do love you,
I'll try harder,
I know I need to show you, I know that's what you need..."
And then you say something that throws me,
A complete curve ball???
I tell you "I don't think you can show love, to anyone, not just me..."
You say,
"Maybe that's just how I am?????"
Like that's ok?
Like I have to live with that?
That its ok to leave someone,
Not just anyone,
The person you claim to love,
Without fuckin air!!!
Cos that's what it feels like,
You clip my wings,
Suffocate my soul,
And drench my spirit with your ...
Lack of....

Over and out
x

Outside, Inside

I stare at the window blankly,
Wondering what I said wrong this time,
Questioning  myself if how I said things was the right way?
Repeating over and over the scenario,
Picking it to pieces,
Play by play,
Did I really deserve that?
You walking out?
No Goodbye?
No explanation?
Just Anger,
And stubbornness.
Is what I said so very wrong?
My phone is silent.
I expect nothing,
As always, the silence is deafening,
As ever, just as hurtful.
It'll be a terse 'Goodnight xx'
And then a cheerful 'Morning xx'
As if nothing had passed between us at all.
Another day,
With a clean, blank sheet,
Just as the day before.
But that's tomorrow,
For now the night is painful and black,
And just like the sky outside,
Cloudy and full of discontent,
Oh where will it end?

Goodnight x

Ssssssh......

.....these whispers are dangerous,
No longer yours,
My life is a secret,
Yet why?
I'm doing nothing wrong,
Being faithful,
Being honest,
With myself?
I'm trying to find something that once was,
It's there, I can feel it,
Just not in its entirety,
It lacks passion,
Or maybe that is I?
My life is here,
My heart is here,
I gotta go back,
I need to.
If there is truth,
Just a chance,
An opportunity,
I gotta take it,
How ever small.
I know it's difficult to understand,
With all that's gone before,
I struggle to with this turnaround,
But I gotta go with what feels right,
Feels real,
Comfortable if you will.
It will either work or it won't,
Simple.
If it doesn't then at least I will know,
My heart will know,
And my head too.
For its the not knowing,
The confusion,
The blinding void of indecision that eats my soul.
Now at least I can fly,
Or just flutter a little,
But it's on my terms,
My pace,
My turf.
I had to go here,
I'm so sorry,
I just had to......

Sugar x