I don't like you!

There,
I've said it....out loud!
How can you even begin to love someone you struggle to like?
I try,
Fuck do I try.
But you just leave me speechless with your actions,
Well in-actions...
The one day you have your little girl overnight,
The one time its just you and her,
You finish work early...what do you do?
Pick her up early?
Fetch her from Nursery?
Call and ask if its ok to change the arranged time?
Nah....course you don't.
Selfish prick that you are...
You go out,
You use the time for yourself,
For your well being,
For your state of mind ....
I hope your conscience is clear my friend..
Oh wait, we're not even friends are we..
Fuck buddies maybe..
Well not even that anymore,
I can't give myself to someone who doesn't see me..
YOU JUST DON'T FUCKIN SEE ME!!!
Arsehole...
FUCK YOU!

Love me....

...its all I ask.
It's all I ever asked for...
It's all I ever really need,
To breathe,
To get by,
To exist.
Why do you find it so fuckin difficult?
There are endless ways possible,
To show someone...
You Love them.
Not big extravagant gestures,
'The little things'
I said I didn't feel loved, appreciated or even noticed!
You say the old line," But I do love you,
I'll try harder,
I know I need to show you, I know that's what you need..."
And then you say something that throws me,
A complete curve ball???
I tell you "I don't think you can show love, to anyone, not just me..."
You say,
"Maybe that's just how I am?????"
Like that's ok?
Like I have to live with that?
That its ok to leave someone,
Not just anyone,
The person you claim to love,
Without fuckin air!!!
Cos that's what it feels like,
You clip my wings,
Suffocate my soul,
And drench my spirit with your ...
Lack of....

Over and out
x

Outside, Inside

I stare at the window blankly,
Wondering what I said wrong this time,
Questioning  myself if how I said things was the right way?
Repeating over and over the scenario,
Picking it to pieces,
Play by play,
Did I really deserve that?
You walking out?
No Goodbye?
No explanation?
Just Anger,
And stubbornness.
Is what I said so very wrong?
My phone is silent.
I expect nothing,
As always, the silence is deafening,
As ever, just as hurtful.
It'll be a terse 'Goodnight xx'
And then a cheerful 'Morning xx'
As if nothing had passed between us at all.
Another day,
With a clean, blank sheet,
Just as the day before.
But that's tomorrow,
For now the night is painful and black,
And just like the sky outside,
Cloudy and full of discontent,
Oh where will it end?

Goodnight x

Ssssssh......

.....these whispers are dangerous,
No longer yours,
My life is a secret,
Yet why?
I'm doing nothing wrong,
Being faithful,
Being honest,
With myself?
I'm trying to find something that once was,
It's there, I can feel it,
Just not in its entirety,
It lacks passion,
Or maybe that is I?
My life is here,
My heart is here,
I gotta go back,
I need to.
If there is truth,
Just a chance,
An opportunity,
I gotta take it,
How ever small.
I know it's difficult to understand,
With all that's gone before,
I struggle to with this turnaround,
But I gotta go with what feels right,
Feels real,
Comfortable if you will.
It will either work or it won't,
Simple.
If it doesn't then at least I will know,
My heart will know,
And my head too.
For its the not knowing,
The confusion,
The blinding void of indecision that eats my soul.
Now at least I can fly,
Or just flutter a little,
But it's on my terms,
My pace,
My turf.
I had to go here,
I'm so sorry,
I just had to......

Sugar x

Space

How I ache,
There's a question that is gnawing at my soul,
I know the answer,
It's all too clear to me now,
Now.
Sorry, I hear myself say in the dark,
Sorry I had to come here,
To look about,
Check the scenery,
See if these walls had changed.
They have indeed,
But is it enough,
We will see,
Only time will tell I guess.
For now I am here, in this kind of nothingness,
A no-mans land of lonely thoughts,
And idle dreams.
I breathe,
But these lungs are empty,
I love,
But this heart doesn't beat in time,
I talk,
But the words are empty, soulless and lost,
I dream.
And this spirit is lifted, if only in moments.
My life albeit briefly returns to technicolour,
Wild chasms of colour filled pictures,
Dance within my grasp,
As I long for the bluest skies to embrace this spirit,
And allow her to fly once more,
Soon,
Very soon.

xx

The light.....

The lights were bright once,
So bright i was blinded,
For just an instant it seems,
But one flash,
One blink of an eye,
And it was gone,
All gone.

There was warmth once,
So much heat, it enveloped me,
Crept inside me,
Scorching the claret that courses through me,
But a harsh word,
And it was gone,
All gone.

There was desire once,
An all consuming lust,
Beyond subduing,
Inviting and adoring,
But with a curious action,
It was all gone,
All gone.

There once was a hand,
A love that held me,
Arms that encompassed my soul,
Words that cherished me,
But with anger and stupidity,
It was all gone,
All gone.

There was a light,
A beautiful beacon, leading me home,
Imploring for recognition,
And fulfilment,
Just there,
Just you,
Then you were gone,
All gone.