Forever and Always

You've slid so easily into my mind,
My life...
My skin,
My aching heart.
I never realised how empty I had become,
How still my world was,
How much was missing from my soul.
You feed this hunger that screams inside my head,
That twists this spirit.
One look and I am lost,
Totally abandoned within your charms,
Lovingly submissive to all that you offer.
I never imagined this,
Expected this,
Or even hoped for this...
But fuck, I am so in awe of this feeling...
You take my breath away with your depth of feeling,
I've never felt so loved,
So wanted,
So needed,
So complete.
Tears these days are happy ones,
Full of joy and wonder,
Apprehension and excitement of what's to come,
And moments of sheer bliss and contentment,
That I can hardly believe are mine.
Do I have a right to this?
I pinch myself constantly,
You are truly something else,
All that I have wished,
Dreamed,
And hoped for.
In my darkest moments,
There was always a light,
Always a voice,
Forever a way home,
I'm glad you found me!

'Hello darkness..my old friend..'

Its good to see you again,
To be wrapped safely within your arms,
Feel your breath on my neck,
Like molasses,
Stroking my soul into submission.
Its so good to be enveloped,
Within,
Your cloak of solitude,
Holding my hand,
Engaging my heart,
With the comfort of blackness.
How I fuckin ache,
Ache with the nothingness of this empty spirit,
Hurt with the realisation of pain,
Loneliness,
And sheer frustration.
I know there is a path for me,
I know there is a light..
It's just right now I am a little lost,
And blinded by the numbness of it all.
But for now,
The darkness has my soul,
Safe,
Guarded,
And troubled..
So very,
Very,
Troubled.

Achingly afraid,
Sugar x

Blank

Its hard to write when your mind feels suffocated,

Hemmed in with all the daily stuff that grinds your spirit to a halt.

So fuckin frustrated by the situation,

And my own hand in it...

I'm so tied here,

So roped in to all the tangled scenarios and painful memories.

I wanna break free,

I do,

If not from this place,

At least from my own insanity.

Constant questioning,

And reliving of old faces and familiarities,

The need to be held,

Adored,

Wanted,

Really wanted, 

 Is an all consuming thought.

A thought that may never be realised,

At least not here,

Not in this place,

Not by him.

Facing that reality is hard,

Right now,

I choose denial,

Right or wrong,

It's the path I choose to take,

For now.....

ouch...

Next time you have a few pearls of wisdom, why don't you just fuckin hit me!
It would certainly hurt a damned sight less than the vile comments that slide so viciously off your tongue.
The pain of being hit would've been momentary,
But those searing, cutting words you deliver with such venom,
Echo constantly round my head,
Reminding me of just how different we are,
That you indeed have no filter,
No compassion.
As always your hideous faux pas are followed by a sheepish apology...
"I'm sorry" just don't cut it anymore,
I'm tired,
Battered,
And worn,
Worn down.
But I can't even be bothered to get up,
Look up even,
Anymore.
Ill stay Here,
Hang my head in the comfort of loneliness,
And try and breathe life into this weary heart,
Once more.
Just once more....

Sugar x

Temptation

Oh, Temptation

You wicked, horned devil You!

How you excite me,

Entice me,

Deny me all reason,

And thought.

Confuse this mind with salacious devilment,

Damn, you are so good at what you do.

Just the right word,

The sweet agony of longing,

 Persistent with you,

Yet dormant without you,

But Oh,

 How you ignite this carnal want.

This desire,

This need.

This unfulfilled, pulsating hunger.

This weakness of design,

This urgent demand.

Fuck you're good!

Your sweet, honeyed tongue,

Caresses my deliberation,

Rendering me helpless,

Lost,

Totally within your constraint,

Willingly open,

Exposed to your every whim.

I am undone...

Sugar x

Back..I'm back

It's OK to feel a little lost now and again,

It's OK to take a path that fate has labelled for you,

And it's OK to get half way down that road and think "Hey...

What the f*ck am I doing here?"

For me this seems to happen on a regular basis.

I have my mind and soul in the right place,

For now.

I feel good about myself,

My life,

My future,

And the future of those around me.

I am glad I chose this path,

And Yes, that's Me, I chose this,

Not through some sense of duty,

Or loyalty,

Or pity.

But because I feel it's here I belong,

Here I can grow,

Here where I am most alive.

I don't know what the future holds,

And I'm not afraid anymore,

Cos when it comes down to it,

I know I can survive anything,

I have up 'til now!

Thank YOU,

YOU know who you are,

For sharing a small part of your existence with me,

For sharing your heart,

Your dreams,

Your fears,

And hopes.

I'm sorry I can't take you any further down this road with me,

But I am not sorry for all that has gone before,

Only the hurt.

Take Care,

Always in my heart,

Miss M xx

Losing myself

Once more I am at a loss as how to express myself,
Obviously I am getting it wrong or you would not say those things.
I am here, Yes because I choose to be,
And Yes, it means saying Goodbye to all that we had,
But it does not mean forgetting,
Or undermining all those feelings,
And it definitely doesn't mean that I no longer feel them,
Cos I do!
There are days when I just go crazy,
With so many mixed up thoughts in my head and nowhere to express them,
Except here of course.
I'm always looking for a text,
A mail,
A single link of communication to you,
But this is it,
All we allow ourselves,
Or all I allow you.
I know you want more,
But you also know I can't handle more,
It drove me almost insane with indecision,
And angst,
And a pain so raw,
I had to step back.
Step back here into the comfort and knowing of my life,
Where Yes,  I feel safe,
And Needed.
And lick this raw, open wound you have left within me,
For I need to Heal myself,
For I am no good to anyone with a broken soul.
So for now I will lose myself within this shelter,
Feed this aching spirit back to normality,
And then,
Only then,
Can I look at myself once more,
And see my true direction.

Sugar x

Just one week!

I didn't leap,

I couldn't,

I thought I was ready,

But I wasn't....

Maybe I never will be?

Who knows..

All I know now is that my heart is still,

And  my head no longer aches with indecision,

I feel at peace,

And at ease in my own skin.

For the first time in a long time,

I am happy in my own mind.

Happy that this conclusion was mine,

And  mine alone.

That was important,

For if my heart was somewhere else,

As it was, this wouldn't work.

I know longer ache for him,

I guess that is me switching on to the here and now,

Turning away from the 'what if..'

'What ifs' can't exist in my world,

But I can still hold onto a dream,

Whether it be his face or yours,

The dream is still the same,

I just gotta give it all I got,

And make it work for me,

Or,  get out.

Either way I'm not afraid anymore,

The darkness is my friend,

And if the dark angel returns,

And spreads her solitary arms around me once more,

I shall embrace the comfort they bring.

For I know that from the darkness,

A light always beckons.

And I will find him.

Always.

Surprisingly alive,

Sugar x

Opening my eyes

He said something today,
Something that made me think,
Not that my mind isn't full of crazy thoughts already!
But he said....
"You've shut off, haven't you?
You don't want me near you?
Your here, but your not really...
Not for the right reasons anyway...you are making yourself miserable..."
And I said...
NOTHING
The words were right there, well the ONLY word I needed to use really,
YES!
But I didn't say it,
Couldn't,
Something is still stopping me from inflicting the worst pain possible...or will it now be a release?
Hearing what your heart already knows, I guess is just making it final,
Making it real.
I guess I'm not ready to do the real,
Not just yet....but f*ck I am so close.

With an aching heart,
Sugar x

A world of shit!

Ok, so I get that your pretty screwed up...what I did wasn't great, it wasn't fair and I know that your tablets are messing with your head aswell as all the other shit you have to deal with...I'm not exactly in a great place either....but I am certainly  not so far down the line that I actually took the tools and the time and thought about how I was gonna top myself...???
And then you choose to tell me this, in detail?
How do I live with that?
And then when I ask you is it me?  Is it me that drove you to it...you say Yes!
Now any thought of leaving or any chance I ever had to make a go of something else is now all gone, all buried, all stuffed back so far into that box that I fear the dark will consume every ounce of my soul.
You think I can leave now?
You think I have a choice?
You think I can leave and have that on my conscience?
You think I wanna tell our daughter what I did to you, you think I wanna explain to your family and my kids what you did, and why?
There are some things, some details, some thoughts we all need to keep to ourselves...and this was fuckin one of them, I was the wrong person to tell.
I hate you so much right now, I can't bear to look at you.
You say your  not  in a good place right now.....
Well fuck Mr..welcome to my world!
Over and out..

Sugar x

God how I ache...

...every inch of me.

Every fibre and sinew aches to be released,
To be rewarded,
To be rediscovered.
I'm trying desperately to live here,
In the here and now,
But fuck it's so hard,
I'm trying to let go,
Trying to shut him out,
Trying to force all memories,
All pleasures,
All promises,
All whispers,
All that pent up passion out of my God damn head,
But it is near impossible to forget someone,
Who's hand's so gracefully coaxed your heart out of it's shell,
Who's voice, soothing and charismatic rescued a tortured spirit,
And who's sheer consistency and unwavering love curled it's way into my very soul,
Isn't it?
I need help,
And pretty damn fast!

With Love

Sugar x

Yesterday......

........my heart turned cold,

Switched off,

Stopped beating,

The air around me sickly and sweet,

Thick and irritating,

Un-breathable,

And yet my lungs still functioned.

The screaming of my soul,

As all contact was severed,

Was a pain I'd hate to repeat,

But know that I will.

For our Goodbye could never be final,

You are woven into the fabric of my skin,

Branded onto my heart,

Forever etched into the smiling memories in my mind.

A Love,

A Feeling,

A Bond.

Unique in itself,

And yet the same as all other ties.

I know I'll see your words again,

Hear your heartbeat fast,

Be consumed by the passion in your eyes,

Feel your aching touch,

For I cannot imagine a life without you in it

My heart is yours,

Always.

Keep it safe.

xxx

A whole world of crazy

Right now,
I'm so torn,
I've been torn,
Torn between emotions and my conscience,
But now,
Right now,
I am physically torn,
Ripped in half by a sense of duty and a compulsion to be consumed.
Is it possible to Love you both?
Well of course, but to be IN Love?
Now that is what's screwing with my already fucked up head!!
There are so many pulls on my time and my feelings here,
The children,
A sense of loyalty,
Family,
A future planned and not yet visited...
And then there is You,
That guy from my past,
A connection once formed that has yet to be severed,
There is something so very very right about You,
About this emotion,
This place you have taken me.
This journey hasn't been long at all,
Just in its infancy,
And yet I fear I could follow you to the end of time,
Revelling in all that you offer,
Being devoured by this inclination is truely a privelege,
But it comes at such a high price.
I've agonized time and time again,
Making one decision and then another...
And I am lost again as to which road to go down.
Saying Goodbye and letting go, to You,
Is like a mourning in it's rawest form,
I dunno if I am strong enough to weather that,
Or even if I really want to,
This is so very very hard.
And I'm truely sorry.
I Love You.

Crossing to the other side

I find myself on unfamiliar territory,
It both scares me and excites me in equal measure.
I never thought I would get here,
See these sights, touch these walls,
But here I am.
Against everything my soul believes in,
But everything my heart feels to be right.
Full of desire and rage,
Frustration and anxiety,
My eyes strain towards the light,
Wondering if there is some end to this journey.
Hoping that the hand that holds mine,
Is firm,
Faithful,
And true.
For his words, spoken on this page,
Echo silently around my head,
Feeding this need,
This want,
This ardent passion.
His longing matching my own,
His open arms in need of comfort,
His aching heart,
Gently beating a sonnet,
A whispered promise,
A future not yet written,
An Eternal hope,
A dream.

Sugar x

Aching from the inside out

My mind is tired, my body worn and bleeding.
How to get through another day of this nothingness,
Another breath without comfort,
Another night without solace,
Or warm arms to withdraw to.
My heart is heavy,
My thoughts heavier still,
As i struggle with this need,
This want,
This unparallelled,
Unforgiving ache.
This must end,
It has to,
Or at least draw to its conclusion,
My heart after all is all too human,
And impatient,
But ready,
Willing,
And Open.

Achingly yours

Sugar x

Looking behind

Today a voice from the past said Hello..he reminded me, very eloquently of the chats we used to have together and recalled that it had been awhile since we had done so.  It has been indeed a long time since I entered the world he and I used to frequent together...a world where your face is hidden and your true identity has no place, only the picture you choose to portray by your words or by your actions.  It is a dark and unforgiving place that grabs a hold of your ego and thrusts it head long into a blazing fire of orgasmic delights.  Here or  should i say there is an entirely new Playground, one in which i no longer choose to play in. 
I can't. 
For even a second chance meeting with a like minded person could indeed lead me onto that slippery slope of need and want and the feeding of a swelling ego.
God, somedays do  I want to, just for the comfort of familiar surroundings..just for the ache of that gnawing thought in my deepest subconscious...do I still have what it takes?  Can I still speak those things?  Will the excitment still be there?
Unfortunately I think so would be my answer...which is why my wandering thoughts stay here, and my ego remains silent.
Til next time...

 Sugar

F*&k!!!

Just when i think things have turned around and are good, your filter disappears..you know the one???
The one that the rest of us seem to be able to keep in check...the one that stops us hurting the ones close to us, by either not saying what we're really thinkin or covering over it with a little white lie...
But NO..you don't have that option do you...you just gotta fuckin blurt it right out!!!
Then  even when i say to you..."You just said that out loud...." to my fuckin face????  You look at me sheepishly and say 'Yeah, I did didn't I....'  And that's it, that's your response...and I'm supposed to be okay with that?
Not wanting me is one thing, 'cos your ill, feeling down, not really wanting to be close to another person..but fuck...couldn't you just lie, couldn't you just spare me that indignity???  But to tell me in my face, when your holding me.....it took every ounce of self preservation not to weep right there.  To let my walls collapse in around me and let you really see the hurt that you so obviously miss when you look in my eyes.
When i look in the mirror i see nothing....no spark, no light, no nothing.  Just pale blue, tear-weary eyes pleading for some kind of relief.....Am I that invisible to you, that my pain no longer registers...or is your pain all you are capable of seeing??
Achingly alone,

Sugar x

The Dark Angel

How her black wings,

And harsh whispers sweep over my soul,

Widening the hole in my chest and playing with my heart.

Ravaging my emotions until nothing feels real.

Her warm hands, soft and delicate yet so calculating in their mission,

Striking my tear stained cheek into a reality I am unwilling to go.

Forcing this pain to the surface,

This agony of existance,

This half-way life..

I must break free from her hold,

For her wings hold no feathery comfort,

Just sharp, bold needles of truth,

Pricking at my conscience day after day.

Her fleash so milky white,

Pure...

Yet tainted,

With the stain of a thousand consumed souls.

Hide yourself from the dark one,

For she is all you desire and more,

But her designs for you are far from this truth,

Wickedness is her trade of choice,

And she will hunt you down,

Enjoying the chase,

And drink from your spirit til she's had her fill,

For her thirst is what drives her,

And your achin' soul is what quenches that thirst!

Sugar x