Just one week!

I didn't leap,

I couldn't,

I thought I was ready,

But I wasn't....

Maybe I never will be?

Who knows..

All I know now is that my heart is still,

And  my head no longer aches with indecision,

I feel at peace,

And at ease in my own skin.

For the first time in a long time,

I am happy in my own mind.

Happy that this conclusion was mine,

And  mine alone.

That was important,

For if my heart was somewhere else,

As it was, this wouldn't work.

I know longer ache for him,

I guess that is me switching on to the here and now,

Turning away from the 'what if..'

'What ifs' can't exist in my world,

But I can still hold onto a dream,

Whether it be his face or yours,

The dream is still the same,

I just gotta give it all I got,

And make it work for me,

Or,  get out.

Either way I'm not afraid anymore,

The darkness is my friend,

And if the dark angel returns,

And spreads her solitary arms around me once more,

I shall embrace the comfort they bring.

For I know that from the darkness,

A light always beckons.

And I will find him.

Always.

Surprisingly alive,

Sugar x

Opening my eyes

He said something today,
Something that made me think,
Not that my mind isn't full of crazy thoughts already!
But he said....
"You've shut off, haven't you?
You don't want me near you?
Your here, but your not really...
Not for the right reasons anyway...you are making yourself miserable..."
And I said...
NOTHING
The words were right there, well the ONLY word I needed to use really,
YES!
But I didn't say it,
Couldn't,
Something is still stopping me from inflicting the worst pain possible...or will it now be a release?
Hearing what your heart already knows, I guess is just making it final,
Making it real.
I guess I'm not ready to do the real,
Not just yet....but f*ck I am so close.

With an aching heart,
Sugar x

A world of shit!

Ok, so I get that your pretty screwed up...what I did wasn't great, it wasn't fair and I know that your tablets are messing with your head aswell as all the other shit you have to deal with...I'm not exactly in a great place either....but I am certainly  not so far down the line that I actually took the tools and the time and thought about how I was gonna top myself...???
And then you choose to tell me this, in detail?
How do I live with that?
And then when I ask you is it me?  Is it me that drove you to it...you say Yes!
Now any thought of leaving or any chance I ever had to make a go of something else is now all gone, all buried, all stuffed back so far into that box that I fear the dark will consume every ounce of my soul.
You think I can leave now?
You think I have a choice?
You think I can leave and have that on my conscience?
You think I wanna tell our daughter what I did to you, you think I wanna explain to your family and my kids what you did, and why?
There are some things, some details, some thoughts we all need to keep to ourselves...and this was fuckin one of them, I was the wrong person to tell.
I hate you so much right now, I can't bear to look at you.
You say your  not  in a good place right now.....
Well fuck Mr..welcome to my world!
Over and out..

Sugar x

God how I ache...

...every inch of me.

Every fibre and sinew aches to be released,
To be rewarded,
To be rediscovered.
I'm trying desperately to live here,
In the here and now,
But fuck it's so hard,
I'm trying to let go,
Trying to shut him out,
Trying to force all memories,
All pleasures,
All promises,
All whispers,
All that pent up passion out of my God damn head,
But it is near impossible to forget someone,
Who's hand's so gracefully coaxed your heart out of it's shell,
Who's voice, soothing and charismatic rescued a tortured spirit,
And who's sheer consistency and unwavering love curled it's way into my very soul,
Isn't it?
I need help,
And pretty damn fast!

With Love

Sugar x